Speaking of time, am I the only one who always feels that time in Singapore flies way faster than that in Indonesia? My theory says that because of an equatorial line that passes through Indonesia, Indonesia therefore has greater gravity force thus time passes at slower rate. A theory doesn't have to make sense, guys.
Anyway, I feel rather worried because I feel like I've been missing quite a lot of things lately while I was busy 'surviving' in Singapore. For example, most of my girl friends are starting to learn to do make up, how to curl their hair and how to get a lot of likes on Instagram (like seriously how can you get 100 likes for posting merely a picture of your lunch?). On top of that, I admit it is quite sad for me to leave in a period when a lot of my friends are celebrating their sweet seventeen. How many parties have I missed?
I know I shouldn't just look at things that I don't have or missed but instead I should embrace things that I have such as the opportunity to study overseas. However, the flawed part of me is still craving to be given 'extra' time to catch up for those things I've missed. In one hand, I believe that if I were to get back all that missing time, I will have become a very happy blogger; I will have been very good at doing make up; I will have learn how to drive a car; I will have attend more than ten sweet seventeen parties and; I will have know every single stories behind how my best friends start dating their crushes. On the other hand I don't want to throw out this opportunity I get too. Even though I do feel messed up sometimes, I really never feel regret of studying overseas. My dream, honestly, is to become a RICH woman. I'm serious.
I want to climb up the social ladder, not to show off to everyone but to just one person. I think he is the one that keeps me going for the past four years. Four years ago I don't know what it feels like to regret, to hope and to wait. He was into me nearly four years back but my pride took control over my heart that I shooed him and he left. After that, a sudden realization struck my mind that I began to run after him. That was the time when I really wished I had kept him with me at the beginning until as long as I could.
I remember there was this one time when one of my best friend asked him, "How long are you going to 'chase' her?" He said, "I don't know. As long as she's not with anyone, I'll still try. Or if the one she chooses to be with is not a good type of guy, I'll still try as well." He still owes me that promise because for these past four years I know him, there is never a time when anyone has ever took his place in my heart. But despite me expecting him to turn back, his heart froze and become as cold as iceberg. Every time I look at his eyes, he was no longer the same person.
However, I still believe that that boy from four years ago are still inside him, maybe sleeping. And I want to wake him up again and apologize for not telling him how precious he is to me even up till now. Beneath his tough life as a smoker and drunker, I'm gonna fetch the boy who helped me to back up with my best friend, the boy who wanted to text me but refuse to do so just because he didn't know what to talk about, the boy who always remind me to drink water after eating ice cream, the boy who stays alone in his flats and is actually lonely.
I know now he only makes friends with those people from 'upper class', which is why I'm going to climb up if he still doesn't want to go down. Who knows maybe I can fix a heart.
Being an optimist person I am, I do still have a plan B. What if I really can't get him back? Well, it will be very sad for me of course. But I will still thank him because for this past four years, and even until now, he has been unintentionally pushing me to be the person I really am right now. He also pulled me out of my comfort zone, to be brave and dare to dream, while at the same time strive my best to achieve it. Maybe I will write him an a letter with my name on it and tell him the whole story including my feelings toward him but I will hide my address and move to another part of the world so that he will never contact me again. It will be very difficult for me, indeed, because for me the most difficult thing in moving on is not to stop looking back to the past but to stop hoping that maybe in the future the past can be relived.
But maybe I don't really need to move on! Maybe I can just secretly and silently support him. No matter what happens in the future, I hope he knows that he doesn't need to worry because no matter how hard life kicks him, there is a girl that still prays for him every night, earnestly, almost like what he did for her four years ago...
When my friend asked him (no, actually I asked my friend to ask him so please keep this as secret between us) "Why do you like her?" He only said "I don't know". I used to think that it's such a dumb answer. Now, that answer is all that I need. I once read somewhere that if you say you love someone because of their look, it's not love but lust; if you say you love someone because they are smart, it's not love but admiration and; if you say you love someone because they are nice to you; it's not love but gratitude. I do really wish he could explain to me what is that feeling he felt toward me four years back because right now I think I'm feeling the same thing so I might need his help.
Now it's 5 AM and I decided to follow his Instagram so I should sleep asap and see if he followed me back in the morning.
P.S. If you happened to be that boy I was talking about and you have read this whole post, you have only two choices: pretend you never read this or read the last sentence of paragraph eleven.